Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
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Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
pelicons
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.