Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
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In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
Welcome to middle age.
Don鈥檛 bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it鈥檚 going to rain.
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven鈥檛 seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them鈥擨鈥檝e lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
A leaf blower, but for people.
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
[at s茅ance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 馃拃馃拃
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
伪: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
Me: I鈥檝e decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn鈥檛 *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.