My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
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me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
j o i m p
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho