My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
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Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
Happy Thanksgiving
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
#ProTip
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.