Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
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a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
How about I get 100% off by already being there
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
I wish my 3yo ate dinner as well as he eats toothpaste
I’m awake but I object,
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*