My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
You Might Also Like
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
Tremendous stuff
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
You deplete me
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat