You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
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Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
My neck, my back, my…
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”