email: CC
my brain: corn cob
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don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
Sign at work today
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.