Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
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You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
LOL
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti