*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
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Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
my friends when i can’t do basic math
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”