*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
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I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
The news in a nutshell.
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh