Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
You Might Also Like
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.