Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
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Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
*serious situation*
My brain:
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before