hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
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[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
The first matador
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.