Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
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Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.