It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
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i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah