Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
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Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station