How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
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*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.