Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
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Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
You are what you delete.
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok