TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
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Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
British websites use biscuits.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*