me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
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I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
Optional boss fight.