I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
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[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
Don’t make me out nice you.
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
lmaaaaaooooooooo
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
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