Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
You Might Also Like
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
#catsoftwitter
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.