WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
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I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
when dads have a rap battle
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.