My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
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The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
so i’m at the stock market right
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands