“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
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jesus, what did this guy do
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
Maths meets science
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again