a god among men
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Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”