Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
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My friend is an excellent librarian.
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
oh shit
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
Spa day..😅
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
wait.
there has never been a better use of this meme
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?