manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
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A French press is when you hug naked
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here