The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
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If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
I hope this email punches you square in the face