Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
You Might Also Like
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!