Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
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Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
A double negative is a big no-no.
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
How your email finds me
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂