I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
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my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
Bread puns are on the rise!
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
Kidney stones? Hard pass
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.