Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
You Might Also Like
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
Doggies just call it style.
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”