Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
You Might Also Like
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
and this one
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.