Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
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When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
I’m just playing devils avocado here
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.