If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
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[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀