2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
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[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
I don’t watch a lot of UFC fights, but when I do, I like to pause them when someone gets punched or trapped in a weird position, and say, “I bet you’re wondering how I got here”
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe