not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
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“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
…..pretty much.
Sharon, call the vet
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.