Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
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It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
Oh my god
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
Salad is the decaf of food.