*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
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You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert