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Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.