It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
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Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
dutch is not a serious language
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.