Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
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If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
me: I’ve been thinking about you all day.
cookie:
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
Very good! 👍😂
Classic German Shepherd 😂
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water