I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
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Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
the Monday after daylight savings
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.