[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
You Might Also Like
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur