*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
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[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.