PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
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Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.