My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
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This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
Fidel Castro was alive?
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.