Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
You Might Also Like
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
Tier 3 meme
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
I need better friends
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*